Empathetic Reality

Love lifts my heart weightless,
joy for potentiality and hopefulness...
I fly on currents of light
reminded of the wonder of feeling.
And then, oh then,
disastrous and painful...
My heart is dashed by reality,
cruelly slammed into the ground.
What was caged, set free,
only to fall to the asphalt,
bruised and torn, temporarily damaged.
And yet, my body betrays me,
intoxicated by the gaoler
and by he who frees me.
And yet, my heart still rebels,
wondering at the possibilities.
Benefit of the doubt? Perhaps.

Hypocrascy

Hey you, intolerant judgemental asshole. I see your ring, it glints in the candlelight. Whilst you stare at me with hunger in your rapacious eyes, where are your wife and your three daughters tonight? Whilst you are out partying and drinking with your attractive single female friends and your wingman? Whilst you spout your abhorent thoughts on the unacceptability of divorce and homosexuality, where is your family? If I were to tilt my head a little that way, to smile at you a little more, to allow the glint of seduction into my eyes, would you meet me in the bathroom? In your world, I wonder if it would be acceptable to fuck another woman while your wife and daughters wait for you at home. I wonder if you are happy, sitting there gloating about your life while thoughts of another's supple naked flesh dance around your brain. The concept makes sense to me as I believe that we are not meant to be monogamous or to tie ourselves down. However, I also believe in honesty first and foremost...complete honesty. So, you are entitled to your opinion, whether I agree with it or not. But if you have chosen the path of family and home and marriage, remain on that path or make another choice.

Contradiction

drifting
lonely consciousness
streaming, floating
mind absent, yet present
alone, yet surrounded
I am myself, yet other
worlds unite and collide
pain
abysmal yet intoxicating
I crave and abhor
lost and alone
walking the dark path
illuminated before me
take my hand,
walk with me
challenge me
validate me
push me over the edge
words tinged with soul,
sensuality,
lust,
sex,
obsession
searching for...

Acceptance

I dream of love.
I dream of lust.
The little girl that once was is dead.
Innocence torn away abrubtly and with finality.
Her memory lives, but she is no more.
Door shut on the past,
though it is what shapes the future.
Having accepted that I am,
with all my twisted tendencies, me.
Who knew?
Romantic notions exist within.
I am simply a woman.
Who dreams of a man.

Bogged down with redundancy, lost in normalcy, I ache to feel alive again.
Wish I knew how.
Grinding away daily, same old, same old. So much to do and no time.
Tired.
Want to spiral out of control just for the sake of spiralling out of control.
Take me there...
For just one night, for eternity, take me to a place of power and powerlessness.
Hold me.
Just want to be adored, is that too much to ask? Briefly or forever.
Surrender.

Epiphany

Clarity!
Burning bright,
in the darkness of the night.
When finally, you cut through the bullshit
to the real matter at hand.
I am fire.
Caution, lest my passion burn you.
I am lion.
Caution, lest my nature bite you.
No apologies.

My Muse

Deceptive angel, lie to me.
Betrayal, sweetly bitter on your lips.
Your beauty is undeniable, palpable.
Tortured soul aching for release,
Wrap me in rapture and ecstacy;
Warm comfort for but a few hours.
Only to leave me shredded, torn, but whole.
Familiar stranger, turn to me.
I crave your touch with unquenchable desire.
We wander in peaceful restlessness, you and I.
Content, yet reaching for more.
Complete and yet still alone.

Pain,
raw, exquisite.
Challenge.
Freedom in chains.
Masks fall away,
clawing at reality,
bursting free.
Creation.
Discovery.
Breakthrough.
How simple,
yet not.

Torn

Torn in my mind, limb from limb. Blood running in rivers from self-inflicted wounds for lack of one to inflict them for me, in attonement for my transgressions, or lack thereof. Sweet submission, servile at the feet of one who truly understands, one who can provide that which I desire most. Craving the sensations of cold metal, the cruel lash of leather, restrained and begging, writhing. Sweat dripping, musk of longing, red clouding my vision, pleasing him in ways only we can understand. Where is he?

And yet, I cry out again in my mind in frustration. I yearn for satisfaction. Much time has passed since ever I have felt remotely satisfied. And I search. I play, I discard. Too easy are men. Face contorted in disgust I laugh at the fickleness of men. Puffed out chests, arrogant, egotistical. They style themselves as masters, but few understand the true meaning of the word. They use us, they throw us away and then laugh and grunt about their conquests. But in truth, the species of womankind is changing and there are those of us who will toy with mankind in the same way as we have been toyed with. With mirth, I reflect that as a woman I am judged to be the same as those who have come before me.

What a connundrum to be submissive in nature and yet independent in spirit. To crave dominance and yearn to retain freedom. As such, I am torn.

The End

The battle lines have been drawn.
We stand across from one another
in the aftermath of war.
When verbal bombs have flown through the air,
impacting and exploding directly on target;
when emotional carnage is strewn across
the wastelands of what used to be.
There is a silence, eerie and deathly still.
Tensed, coiled muscles relax.
Anger abates, replaced by indifference.
Sorry is just a word, now with no meaning.
We turn away from one another, eyes dry.
All the tears have fallen, passion is gone.
We look back at each other and realize
there is no winner in war.
It's over, we're done.
And I'm already gone.

Defeat

There is beauty in defeat,
in losing, in surrender;
in lying naked and vulnerable,
crushed and bruised.
Battered by servile sycophants
with golden honeyed tongues.
There is perverse satisfaction
in a choice made to follow the rocky path,
the proverbial path less travelled.
Exceeding all expectations upon success.
For sometimes, in defeat
we are given the opportunity
to begin anew.

Searching

Memories, teasing, taunting, haunting,
won't let me sleep tonight.
Moonlight's ardent whispers
caressing my sensibilities.
Floating lightly in uncertainty
lost, and yet found.
The past returns, repeats.
Am I becoming myself,
or finally remembering who I am?

Archived Work 11

Lying here, in this moment,
I wonder where you are,
what you're doing,
what you're thinking.
I think of your smile,
your eyes,
your strong yet gentle grip
when you hold me.
I smile
and I let the memories flow.
Tenderness.
Ferocity.
Passion, all consuming.
You are all I always thought
and yet, you are more.
To you I have given my heart,
and yours it will remain.
My love.



Love.
Complete surrender
to the unknown.
Leaving yourself
open to hurt.



Some hearts go through life
unattached, abandoned, and free.
Other hearts are heavy
chained and trapped.
Hearts together in love
supplement each other.
Hearts together in hate
full of pain and hurt.
Life is a dance
hearts searching to find hearts.

Deeply

I want to feel you,
warm, pulsating, thrusting,
filling me completely.
Your mouth demanding,
bruising my lips,
devouring me.
Your hands teasing me,
possessing my body.
I want to feel you,
deeply.

Betrayal

Betrayal, thick and bitter,
where lies bury inconvenient truths;
where hypocrisy reigns.
How could you?
When I would have given you all,
prostrated before you,
my everything was yours.
You took it all
and left me shattered.
An empty husk, shards on the floor.

Shackles of my own creation,
my own volition.
In my mind, in my heart, in my soul.
Bound by fear, bound by duty.
Perverse sadness in entrapment.
Yet I collar myself,
leash in hand.
To lead or to follow?
Freedom in chains?
How is it
that contentment pervades my reality
and still I'm blinded by indecision?

Archived Work 10

April 23, 2005

The winds of change blow strong tonight.
She sits and stares out over the water
Contemplating life.
The reflection of the full moon and stars
remindes her of life's dualities.
Reality and Fantasy
Light and Dark
Good and Evil
A fine line exists between all,
Blurs the edges.
Perspective and circumstance dictate definition.
The wind gusts,
She sighs,
Feels the pull of the moon and stars.
Walks down to the water barefoot.
She is at peace but restless.
Change approaches.
She waits.

Archived Work 9

(both from '98)

Lying alone
in a dark room
on an empty bed
chained by fears
imprisoned by emptiness
pretending to break free
only to return
to a darkened cell
every night.



Standing on the edge of the world
Stars above, nothingness below
A vast expanse of nothing
Wind blows
Smells of salt and grass and rain
Fires burn
Warmth so close, but so artificial
Sounds of air rushing past quickly
Things growing
Things dying
Things falling
A waterfall
Into the depths of nothing
Sweeps her off
An endless fall
Into everything and nothing
Life images flash
Tears fall
Sobs break free
Laughter
Happiness
Pain
Flickering in and out of reality
Falling
Need to be caught
Falling into darkness
An abyss
Surrounded
Alone
..?...?...?....................

Archived Work 8

(from '98)

Happiness,
so hard to come by
so easily shattered
shards of glass
on the floor
blood from a wound
Will it ever heal?
The past mirrored
for never-more
life begins anew
until we catch a reflection
in shards of the past
running in circles
Past or future?
Forward or backward?
What is right
What is wrong
No room for regrets
Room for hope?
Room for dreams?

Archived Work 7

Your Eyes (from '98)

Blue as the sky on a clear summer's day,
as the water in the purest mountain stream.
Full of emotions pent up inside,
but I can see through to you.
I see pain, sorrow, sadness, and hurt,
mixed in with traces of regret.
But somehow you have weathered the storm.
Laughter bubbles up from an ocean of tears;
joy and happiness shine through the clouds.
And I dare to hope, dare to dream
about what I see now.
Is it my imagination or is it truth?
One day I will know,
but time moves so slowly
and I am caught in a storm of my own.
Mists of confusion and clouds of uncertainty
block my vision of truth.
But understanding is starting to shine.
Soon the mists will disolve and the clouds will part
and I will realize
exactly what I have read so many times.
In your eyes.

Archived Work 6

Sacrifices (from approx '97)

Blood flows in rivers
Women and children scream
Warriors and priests chant and sing
The skies open up and storm

Secrets died with them
Rituals, fears, hopes, and dreams
The sacrifices of long ago
Made for reasons we no longer know

Archived Work 5

Northern Lights (from approx '97)

Green, pink, purple, blue
Dancing across a star-filled sky
Like rolling waves on a gentle sea
Playing tag, leap-frog, follow-the-leader
Across the blackened heavens.
To natives living long ago
These are the gods of the past.
A serpent of lights
Streaks across the night
Using stars as an earth-bound serpent
Would use rocks.
The North-star watches over the games
An ever-gleaming eye in the dark.
Suddenly, it winks at me
I know everything will be all right.
A feeling of peace falls over me
And for the next few moments,
Nothing matters.
For the first time in my life
Everything is just fine.
The lights continue to play
And dance across the star-filled heavens.
And I watch.
At peace at last.

Archived Work 4

She's Leaving Him Behind (from approx '96-'97)

Her hair flew across her face
as she turned to look behind.
Her bright green eyes sparkled
in the early morning light.

Memories of what he did
flooded through her mind.
She remembered herself on her knees
begging for her life.

She cried without shedding a tear
and she screamed without using her voice.
She bore her pain in silence
and she never lost her pride.

I'm leaving him behind
is all that she can say.
She's leaving him behind 'cause
it's the only way.
And she's leaving him behind
to get her life back again.

He'd kicked her and punched her;
he'd whipped her and beat her.
But Lord how he'd known
the ways to console her.

"I love you, forgive me,
it won't ever happen again".
His empty promises made her stay
and she'd believed him again.

I'm leaving him behind
is all that she can say.
She's leaving him behind 'cause
it's the only way.
And she's leaving him behind
to get her life back again.

This time would be different she swore,
this time I'm leaving forever.
But with a sigh she turned around
and walked back in that door.

Two months later her mother cried
and her father cursed his birth.
And the judge sentenced him to life
and finally she was free.

She's finally left him behind,
but Lord she had to pay.
She's finally left him behind,
but death was the only way.
She's finally left him behind,
but won't ever live again.

Archived Work 3

Questions (from approx '96)

Will the chains never be broken?
Will the bonds that bind never break?
Will slavery never be ended?
Will dawn ever mean a new day?

When will we ever learn?
When will we find truth?
When will we find justice?
When will mankind be free?

Why must the world hate so much?
Why must the world enslave?
Why does nobody open their eyes?
Why do they not see the suffering?

What will be the day of freedom?
What will be the day of justice?
What is the destiny of our brothers?
What is the destiny of ourselves?

Archived Work 2

Why? (from approx '95-'96)

A knife enters my heart
and as it twists deeper
the pain, the torment, and the agony
force me to ask why.
I want to cry out,
but no one listens.
I try to find a soul mate,
but no one is there.
The questions are never-ending;
they hound my soul.
Day and night I am forced
to face the loneliness
that accompanies my life.
So I put on a smile,
and pretend to be carefree,
but the hole inside of me
will never close.
The pain inside of me
will never ease.
And the questions,
the questions will never end.
They will never go away.

Archived Work 1

Torment (from approx '95-'96)

Questions running round my mind;
The answers are so hard to find;
There is so much on the line...
For me.
It may seem very foolish to you,
But my life is so confusing.
The answers are just out of reach.
In front of my eyes dancing;
Laughing...
Is just a front I put on.
It seems to lift my heart,
But it just keeps away the tears;
Sorrow...
I feel every day,
I put on a smile and face the world,
But the tears are so real.
Hide the confusion;
Sorrow;
Pain;
Smile through the tears.
The questions remain unanswered.

My thoughts flow like water,
droplets spattering across the page.
Scribbles arranged into recognizable patterns.
Letters and words that mean everything,
and yet nothing.

I've been too good for too long.
Wasted years being who they wanted,
spent too much time allowing others to define me.
Finally, I define myself.

I live in a world where fantasy invades reality,
reality invades fantasy.
Demons, nymphs and faeiries,
concrete jungle and steel girders.
I question my reality,
I question my fantasy,
I question my sanity.

I crave...I crave...
what?
My master, my lover,
my king, my only equal.
Twin of my soul,
The face of my dreams.

Mist and Shadows

Etherial, she stands alone.
Clothed in mist and shadows,
she dances as she walks.
Lightly twirling, her arms flung outwards,
she embraces the chill night air
yet craves the fire of the sun.
She haunts my waking and sleeping dreams,
I see her always in my mind's eye.
She stands surrounded by forest,
gown of gauzy mist rippling gently about her,
hair blowing about her face.
Visible but invisible, always obscured and hazy.
Who is she, this daimone or fairie,
and why does she haunt me so?
What does she want from me?
Will she ever leave me alone?

Seduction

He comes to me in the guise of my most secret desires.
Undoubtably male, he oozes danger, rawness and sensuality.
He tempts me, seduces my thoughts, becomes an obsession;
he is but a dream and yet his power transfixes.
Like a moth I am drawn to his fiery nature,
flirting with potential disaster.
My strength, normally as marble pillars standing forever,
fails me and I crumble before him.
I ache to be possessed, even at the cost of my soul.
Something stirs within me, awakening at my core,
responding to the darkness to which he has retired.
I yearn for the ecstacy of his electric touch,
for the pain that will replace ecstacy when bliss retreats.
But for all his power, for all his strength,
will he ever comprehend the twin of his nature?
Seduction, after all, takes two.

A Moment in Time

Touch me, caress me,
Undress me with your eyes.
Blue pools of depth...
I'm falling, I'm lost...
Peel away the layers
once painstakingly erected.
With only a sweeping glance,
You shoot to my core;
I feel naked before you.
In my mind I imagine
The graze of your fingertips,
Your breath on my neck,
Lips pressed against mine,
Our fingers entwined.
For a moment I'm lost.
I'm trapped by your gaze.
And then you blink,
Reality snaps back into focus.

Story 1

I blink. I’m lying here naked, out of breath, and a little sweaty in an unfamiliar bed, slightly uneasy and unsure of what the next move is going to be. It’s a little like a poker game, these situations. One is never sure what the other person is thinking, what is truly going on in their brain, unless they are completely transparent. And this guy is definitely not transparent. Well, OK, maybe he is.

Turning my head slightly, I glance over at the naked man lying next to me who is responsible for my current condition. Now, what is his name again? I sigh internally, James? John? Jim? Ahhh yes, Jason. Well, really, does it matter? I mean, with a body like that who cares what his name is. Besides, I’m moving to a new city soon and obviously this isn’t going to turn into some kind of a relationship because goddess knows I don’t do long distance for a reason, so…

But truly, this isn’t the first time this has happened and I need to stop finding myself in these situations. It’s not healthy and it’s damn hard to keep the names straight. Why am I worrying about his name again? It’s not as if he’s going to remember mine and what do I really care since I’m not going to see him again.

Dammit girl, what were you thinking? Going over to some strange guy’s place for a “bottle of wine and a movie”. Knowing your history, what did you think was going to happen? And knowing men, did you honestly think he just wanted a bottle of wine and a movie and to talk and get to know you? Geez, you should know better than that by now.

Well, time to get it over with. I glance over at him again. He’s lying there on his back in all his glory, his beautiful body still glistening a little. One arm underneath his head, the other flung over his face. This is always the awkward part.

I clear my throat. “Ummmm…so I guess that’s my cue then?”

He grunts and moves his arm, opening one eye. “Hmmm? Oh. Ummm, you can stay if you want, but I have to be up really early tomorrow.”

Translation: ‘Hmmm, oh are you still here? Ummm, get the hell out.’ Amazing what one can learn from inflection, intonation, and experience. At least this one is a bit of a gentleman. He didn’t come right out and say it. Not that I would stay even if he meant the offer, I never do.
“No, if you have to get up I should let you sleep. It’s late and I know it’s hard to sleep with a strange person in your bed.”

He shrugs and continues to lie there, half asleep. I guess it’s time. I sit up and climb over him. Now comes the challenging part, finding my clothes in the dark in a strange apartment. I laugh internally. Yup, a real gentleman, even offering to turn on a light for me.
I make my way over to the couch in his tiny bachelor suite, remembering that my shirt came off over in that area about an hour or so ago. There is a little light coming in through the window from the street light outside. I find my shirt and my bra and at least I’m now half clothed. I’m pulling on my jeans when he decides that it’s time to talk.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that,” he says as I’m searching for my socks.

“Ummm, yeah. Right.” I laugh. “Invite a girl that you’ve never met over to watch movies and drink a bottle of wine and it didn’t ever cross your mind that you might get some?” Damn, sometimes these guys really think that I’m stupid. Guess the blonde hair makes them a little confused or something. I’ve found one sock and I’m searching under the couch for the other one.
At this stage, the awkwardness really sets in. I hate this part…trying to get dressed and get the hell out as quickly as possible while trying to engage in awkward, post-sex conversation. Ah ha, victory! Found the other sock. I sit down on the couch for a second to pull on my socks while mentally cursing the bastard for the lack of light in the place.

“Well at least it was good,” he says lamely.

“Yeah, it was fantastic. Thanks.” At least I’m not lying about that, it was pretty fucking amazing. And at least I didn’t have to “remind” this one to wrap the package before delivery. Geez, do they really think that we don’t notice when they try to ‘sneak in’ without protection? Do they really think that we’re that stupid in this day and age? I mean, I hate condoms as much as the next person, but that’s a superiorly stupid idea. I guess the scary part is that if they keep trying it must mean that they do succeed occasionally. Which is really risky when one thinks about the diseases running rampant these days. Makes me want to stand up and yell at all the girls out there to protect themselves and stop being so dumb.

I stand up and make my way across the bachelor suite to the door. At least my eyes have adjusted to the darkness now. Standing at the door, I try to pull on my shoes as quickly as possible while trying not to fall over (balance is an issue tonight for some reason, perhaps because of the wine). The urge to bolt is getting stronger and stronger. And he’s still lying on his bed, but now he’s rolled over onto his side and removed his arm from across his face. He’s half watching me, half asleep.

Chivalry is dead. OK, well that’s far too much of a blanket statement and I know it’s not true, but chivalry is certainly dead in this little pigeonhole basement suite. So for some reason, I’m still standing at the door, unsure of what to do. I’ve been in this position so many times before that you’d think I’d know what to do at this stage. Usually though, the guys are human enough to at least see me to the door and wish me a good night or something like that.

Oh, finally, he’s hauling his ass up and putting on a robe. Wait a minute. A robe? What the hell? Now that’s funny! Twenty minutes ago he was inside of me and then we were lying naked next to each other. He just spent the last few minutes watching me get dressed while lying completely naked on his bed, and now suddenly he feels the need to be modest. Whatever. As he’s pulling on his robe he says, “So, you’re going then?”

I almost laugh out loud. Ummm, no, I just spent the last five minutes, in the dark, searching for my clothes and getting dressed so that I can stay. I’m standing at your door with my hand on the door handle because I want to spend an intimate night cuddling naked in your bed with you so that I can be woken up after a horrible night’s sleep at some ungodly hour because you have to work. Astute observation, you moron.

Not sure what to say, so I say the first thing that comes to mind, “Yup, looks like it.”

“Well, it was nice meeting you.”

Yup, I’m sure it was. I’m sure that I’m going down in the history books of your life as the amazing one night stand that got away. And I’m sure that you’ll remember more than the fact that you got laid when you get up tomorrow. “Ummm, yeah, you too.”

He leans in and gives me an awkward hug while simultaneously opening the door. I must admit, that is a good move. Almost like he’s practiced it before. “Drive safely.”

Writing Evolution, a note.

Michael (from April, 2006)
I’m not satisfied
With the way you left me.
I’m not satisfied
Not knowing how you feel.

We crashed and burned hon
Before we left the ground.
We crashed and burned dear
And we never said goodbye.

I barely knew you
But I feel so cheated.
I barely knew you
But oh, the tears they fell.

I looked in your eyes
And I saw your kind soul.
I looked in your eyes
Lost in pools of bright blue.

And when you smiled
My frozen heart melted.
And when you smiled
I longed to know you more.

The moment we kissed
I lost time, stopped thinking.
The moment we kissed
For an instant time stopped.

Yet we live apart
Briefly our two souls met.
Yet we live apart
The memory I’ll cherish.

Will we meet again?
That’s in the hands of time.
Will we meet again?
Don’t know if I want to.

lost

today i feel so lost and empty. so alone. for days now i have wanted to exist, but with others around. today, despite my best efforts i want to exist alone. to allow my thoughts free reign to be organic and to evolve as they will. chemical imbalance do what you will.

and so i sit, contemplating the ocean, the sky, the mountains, the wind. i am still, but restless. pacing in the cage of my mind behind bars of my own creation. everything seems very surreal and almost unimportant right now. in my present state i want to play with fire and knives. that would not be wise in my present state.

when i feel like this i am best left alone to my own devices. others do not understand me when i feel like this. it scares them. makes them uneasy. it is as if the fire has been extinguished in my soul. the passion is missing today. and for me, without passion, life is not worth living.

perhaps it is simply the time of year. the summer solstice approaches. summer is my season. ruled by fire and heat and the sun. it should not be this cold this close to summer.

i need heat. i need the heat of the sun. the heat of passion. a passionate embrace, skin on skin. bodies writhing together in ecstasy, breathing as one. salty droplets mingling on skin. the smell of desire and flame. the sound of breathing, two bodies as one, knowing each other's desire. the only goal pleasure, heightened pleasure, continuing throughout the night. dizzy and high on pheromones, discovering each other. thrown back heads, moaning and screaming. candles flickering in the dark, casting erotic shadows. molten wax running over bare skin in rivules. pain and pleasure merging into one. like a drug, don't stop. never stop. lost in ecstasy.

she is taking me over. i feel the impending transformation. i want to let her free, but i fear for the body if she is allowed free reign.

hurt me

Hold me down,
take control...
Bind me in chains,
do what you will...
My lips are eager,
my lips are moist.
The smell of desire,
the musk of longing.
Hurt me please,
will you if I beg?
Hurt me please.
Because I want to feel.

exploring the duality

Darkness spreads tentacles of black fire across my plane of vision once again. It has taken over my essence. My duality, usually dominated by lightness and joy, sighs in resignation and allows the inky blackness it's dominion for a time. Better to accept this part of my self than to fight it. For the battle would be long and bloody with no winner and the same outcome as acceptance.

I pace in my mind like a caged beast in a zoo or a freak show. I am restless. She wants to be freed once again. Not the creature of lightness and joy that usually exists, but the creature of night and darkness; of all things macabre.

She revels in freedom of sexuality, sensuality, torture, play. She aches to feel the cold, hard kiss of metal on skin, the sharp sting of leather. She aches to smell plastic, rubber, leather; to hear the crack of a whip. Lips, breath, teeth, biting, sucking, tongues, tasting. Eyes open, eyes closed. Crimson clouds her vision and she smiles. Chained, shackled, blindfolded. Hands both rough and gentle. The pressure of fingernails scraping down a back, red welts rising. A caress of metal, biting into skin. Sweat rising, beads slowly trickling down.

Once, she took it to the limit of what she could mentally take. She scared herself. Not for what she had done, never that. The fear was that she had taken it to a level where her partner was afraid, and yet still she wanted more. The fear was in knowing that he was as experienced as he was, but had never taken it that far. And she wanted more. For days afterwards, she was aching, bruised black, and sore. And she liked it and she wanted more. The wanting more scared her to the point that she retreated for a long time. How twisted does one mind have to be to want to be hurt. Now she wants out again, she wants more.

Pain slut, whore. She struggles within the body that is shared with the other. She is the girl with no morals. And yet I, the other, the joyful one, accept her while fighting her. We do share a body, after all.

And so, as the crimson rises and the darkness pervades my soul, so does the light. As she craves pain, I crave a light and gentle touch. Within me exists the duality. In my mind, the voices whisper, hurt me, be kind to me, hurt me, cause no pain. I am scarred, I am broken, I am whole, the pieces put back together haphazardly with Elmer's white glue and duct tape. Hurt me, love me. Accept me, love me. Adore me. Hurt me. Love me.

A Spring Day

Water falls like liquid crystal,
splashes audibly on the ground.
Ants scurry in haphazard patterns
on errands of their own design,
looping and weaving on warm stone steps.
The old oak tree stands magnificent and proud,
arms spread wide to shelter all beneath.
And above, the sun smiles down
from blue skies filled with fluffy white clouds.
I sit in quiet contemplation,
grass carpet soft beneath my feet.
Content, a pen in my hand.

In Mourning

Heavily
my heart retreats
for a brief instant
a whisper in the wind
eyes unfocussed
bitter disappointment
a single tear silently shed
mourning what
nothing
something
possibility
Lightly,
my heart returns.
Opens joyfully,
embracing the unknown,
embracing the future.

My life is an open book, written in a language that few understand.
Cross-referenced and with footnotes of a methodology unknown to most.
To know me is to decipher the text.
A daunting task.
But, I think, worth it in the end.


Through ribbons of moonlight
I dance beneath the veil of stars.
Mystical, magical.
The elements embrace me,
The elements welcome me.
I dance unconstrained
To the music of the earth.


My restless soul,
My wandering spirit.
Aches for an anchor,
A companion in exploration,
For freedom from repression,
Yet shelter from judgement.
Relief in freedom.
Relief in oblivion.

Elemental

The earth beneath me cradles my body.
Memories stored of times long passed,
Protected and loved, solid and steadfast,
The earth will be whilst time remains.

The air, the wind caresses my body.
Softly, gently, whispers on skin.
Playful and flighty, its memory short,
The air, the wind, cares nothing of time.

The water laps up over my body.
Nourishing and cleansing, the crashing of waves.
A quiet symphony of melodious sound,
The water will be forever and a day.

The fire burns brightly, warming my skin.
Externally transient, I hold it within.
Flames flicker and lick in a joyous dance,
The fire is timeless whilst passion remains.

Daniel (from Sept '06)

Thought my heart was frozen, believed I couldn’t feel.
Misery my companion, loneliness my friend.
It was only one night, it was merely six hours.
My reality shattered, icy shards rained down.

Your gentle touch, your caress, my eyes filled with tears.
For a moment time stopped and I let myself breathe.
Drowning in emotion, first time in forever.
What is frozen will melt, it just takes the right fire.

And now I wonder, what was your motive, your plan?
And now I wonder, will I hear from you again?

A cloudless night, stars shining hopeful in the sky.
A memory of contentment, six hours at a time.
Pain is a part of life, a feeling I embrace.
One day love will find me, let joy be my fate.

For that night dear man, gracious thanks from my heart.
But my fear overwhelmed me, felt alone in the dark.
Thought time had healed old wounds, but I guess I was wrong.
Couldn’t share much of myself, too soon to be strong.

And now I wonder, what was your motive, your plan?
And now I wonder, will I hear from you again?

So tired of chasing, want to be chased for a change.
Wild things can be tamed, they just can’t be caged.
Patience, perseverance, gentleness and some time.
Gambling pays off the utmost when the stakes are high.

The passion was there, but I won’t wait by the phone.
The hurt cuts too deep when I’m faced with the unknown.
Thank you for revealing another side of me.
Your beautiful soul remains locked in memory.

And still I wonder, what was your motive, your plan?
And still I wonder, will I hear from you again?

The Amazons

The Amazons were an ancient nation of warrior women, their society dominated and governed by women. They traditionally cut or burned off their right breast in order to more freely and effectively use their weapons, an indication to me of their strength and determination to survive and thrive, as well as their adaptability in a harsh ancient society. Amazons are also depicted as highly independent and perhaps worshippers of an Artemis-like goddess. I've always looked up to their strength, determination, and independence and while I won't be removing my breast or giving up the company of men anytime soon, I strive to live my life with these qualities. "Amazon" was a nickname given to me independently by two different people at two different times: a man I once loved and the mother of a dear friend of mine. This may be a commentary on either my personality and the way I live my life, a commentary on my height and stature (at 6'3" I've been told I'm fairly statuesque), or a commentary on both. Any way, it seems appropriate that I use the title of "An Amazonian" for this blog, even if it may be a little presumptuous in the eyes of some.

To Be Peaceful

With intensity of spirit
I wish to glow;
My soul of power, brightness, desire.
To open my mind and heart to all,
To be reborn and start life anew;
To change my nature
Or finally meet myself.
The glorious strength of one heart,
One dream.
For what was lost to be found:
Fragments carelessly tossed to the wind
Gently, lovingly reassembled.
A greater whole
Grateful for the breakdown, the pain;
Realizing in time, loneliness abated.
In time, in time,
The universe provides.
In time, in time,
Separate journeys combine.
Restless heart calm yourself.
Restless mind.
Restless soul.
Just breathe in time with time.

Change

My need, my want, my desire,
Waxes and wanes with time.
My comfort, my solace
In the arms of strangers no more.
Restless awakening,
Burning flames,
Passion.
Caged yet free,
Free yet caged.
I need, I want, I desire.

He looks at me with intensity, curiosity.
I panic.
Sirens blaring in my head.
Danger and excitement,
Fear, unknowing.
Powerful yet powerless,
The hunter becomes the prey.