lost

today i feel so lost and empty. so alone. for days now i have wanted to exist, but with others around. today, despite my best efforts i want to exist alone. to allow my thoughts free reign to be organic and to evolve as they will. chemical imbalance do what you will.

and so i sit, contemplating the ocean, the sky, the mountains, the wind. i am still, but restless. pacing in the cage of my mind behind bars of my own creation. everything seems very surreal and almost unimportant right now. in my present state i want to play with fire and knives. that would not be wise in my present state.

when i feel like this i am best left alone to my own devices. others do not understand me when i feel like this. it scares them. makes them uneasy. it is as if the fire has been extinguished in my soul. the passion is missing today. and for me, without passion, life is not worth living.

perhaps it is simply the time of year. the summer solstice approaches. summer is my season. ruled by fire and heat and the sun. it should not be this cold this close to summer.

i need heat. i need the heat of the sun. the heat of passion. a passionate embrace, skin on skin. bodies writhing together in ecstasy, breathing as one. salty droplets mingling on skin. the smell of desire and flame. the sound of breathing, two bodies as one, knowing each other's desire. the only goal pleasure, heightened pleasure, continuing throughout the night. dizzy and high on pheromones, discovering each other. thrown back heads, moaning and screaming. candles flickering in the dark, casting erotic shadows. molten wax running over bare skin in rivules. pain and pleasure merging into one. like a drug, don't stop. never stop. lost in ecstasy.

she is taking me over. i feel the impending transformation. i want to let her free, but i fear for the body if she is allowed free reign.