Honesty

Words, ideas, belch out onto a page,
tears cloud my vision,
anger is a red haze in the back of my mind,
joy creeps peacefully through my body,
love is ever-present in my heart.

I've tried to change my patterns,
no more running in circles, dizzily falling down,
no more fear to say what is necessary and right.
And yet it is all a curse and without trying,
my patterns continue to bite me.

Gifts of truth, gifts of energy.
Thanks and gratitude, yet sadness
as I live on the outskirts of social arenas
craving closeness and yet knowing it is forbidden.
Loneliness while alone, yet surrounded and full.

Honesty is a path of loneliness, and yet,
it is truth that attracts me more than any other
in the search for knowledge, love, happiness.
For all the times I have considered walking with another
my patterns return me to the path of myself.

Am I to walk alone forever?
Is this the price of that which I desire?
Arms ache to hold, lips ache to kiss,
heart aches to be filled and to feel that from another.
To be alone, forbidden to be complete?

Games We Play

From across the games table where we sit,
I smile at him familiarly
fondly
intimately.
"Have you always been so stubborn?"
I ask patiently
mirthfully
lightly.
"How can you not see that you are a slave
to your own twisted reason and logic?
You have shackled yourself in a
one-dimensional box --
proverbially buried your head in the sand.
Fearing to open your eyes and see the truth.
To open your eyes and mind and live!"
LET GO!!!
I grow weary of playing this same game
again and again,
as addictive as it is in it's simple complexity
I am tired
bored.
We have both sinned, transgressed, hurt.
We both have scars.
How long do we need to sit at this table,
close enough to touch but not daring to,
flinging cruel barbs at one another
before we
(and by we I mean you)
finally let go and be who we were meant to be?
How long must we atone for our pasts?
We regard one another dispiritedly
warily
resignedly.
He broods and sulks.
I smile sadly and finally turn away,
shoulders slumped.
Knowing that one day this situation
will be at an end, resolved,
but it will always be a scar that hurts to touch.

Reflections...

My heart filled with love,
that dull undefinable,
wonderful ache!
Sadness in letting go,
joy in experiencing,
pride in knowing.
I support,
I love,
I forgive,
I hurt.
It is enough to know
that I have affected
in some small way
a course of events.
That I have poked and prodded
and perhaps aided awakenings.
Arrogance?
No...
Everything that we do
affects someone in some way,
whether we or they admit it or not.
Timing is everything.
Satisfaction is it's own reward,
despite any hurts along the way.
So much love radiates
from my heart, my mind, my soul.
Forever...

Temptation

Power,
lust,
carnal desire...
handed to me on a silver platter
along with a blood red rose
in a crystal vase.
To accept or not?
The cost,
merely my soul...
my truth.
Is it worth it?
To get that which I most wish
at a cost too great to bear.
My heart's desire,
my soul's lament.

Anonymity

The anonymous ones chastise me,
taunt me,
laugh at me.
Feel free cowardly ones,
hiding behind the facelessness
of a million different identities.
Masks hide nothing
from one whose gift is truth.
I see you.
I will let you hide,
but know that I can see.
Lies unmasked.
It is my gift,
it is my truth.

Riddles Running Round My Mind

A friendly breeze has been blowing
for quite some time now.
Softly caressing all in it's path.
I can sense change approaching,
winds picking up speed.
That which resists shall be forced.
The door, the windows,
have been open for some time,
allowing air to flirt with the notion
of cooling and comforting that which lies beyond.
Soon, no more...
soon, that teasing breeze
will cause doors and windows
to be violently slammed shut.
Urgency.
Fear.
Sorrow.
The weary travelers hesitate.
They fear, they are wary,
weary,
unsure.
They have forgotten about their instincts,
they have forgotten how to trust.
Rest for the moment,
head pillowed in hands,
but time is of the essence
and the decision must soon be made.
For once the doors and windows are closed
it has not been foreseen when or if
they will be open again.
Time spins out of control,
in control.
Wild thing.
Gods laugh from the heavens,
enjoying their little games.
And our arrogance.

Odd

Strange...

the sense of worlds colliding,
the feeling that doors and windows are shifting,
closing.

a feeling of urgency, that one must hurry,
but slow down
like molasses oozing from a container
stored in the fridge.

knowing something from times past
that you have no business knowing,
nor any true inclination to want to know;
things just out of reach in your brain,
but try too hard and they flit away
like butterflies in the breeze.

reaching for the present,
living in the past or the future,
trying to stay grounded
while floating away with every breeze.

wanting, waiting, staying...
frustration bubbling up under pressure
and threatening to explode
in a starburst of emotion unlike any before.
Indescribable.

stagnant.
sitting forever, hands tied.
freedom unbounded
yet bound.

Irrational Fears

A car interior
Black night outside
Speed and curves
Highway median
Rushes to meet me

A lake or ocean
Deep open water
Powerful swimmer
Impenetrable depths
Grabbed from below

Dark, dank space
Walls closing in
Brush of something
Alone in the dark
Crawling on my skin

Playing with words...

Dynamic Wonder
Cosmic Excrement
Crying in Marvel
Unintelligible Psychobabble

St. Valentine

Commercialized love
makes me ill...
conveniently tied up
with expensive red bows.
Surface shallow lies.
Where is depth and truth?
Why love on a day because
you are told that you should?

Cursed

She falls to her knees on the pavement.
Skin against concrete,
scraping,
breaking.
She grabs handfuls of hair at her temples.
She screams, sobs racking her body,
tears running in rivers
down her face.
And the people walk on by.
They don't stop,
they don't stare.
She is invisible
as they walk on by.

She is cursed by birth,
forever to roam,
stroll,
meander.
Mourning a loss
she can never remember.
Flashes of love.
Glimpses of contentment.
Shifting curtains,
blowing in a teasing wind,
blurred,
unfocused.

Memory or vision?
Questions unending.
WHO ARE YOU? She screams.
SHOW YOUR FACE!
REVEAL YOURSELF!
I've had enough of games,
I'm tired of sorrow.
Pain is my nemesis,
tears even more so.
And yet she wanders,
forever she waits.
patient
standing

Memories haunting
teasing
taunting...

Tonight...

dance lightly though my heart is heavy
don't want to be alone with my thoughts tonight
feels like walking on the edge of the world
caught between worlds of moon and sky
spiders crawling on the back of my neck
shadows of moonlight in my eyes
slippery icicles up and down my spine
crystal sound in the calm still air

sharp hazy focus

Breakdown

Still...
I open my mouth
to scream
and no sound comes out.
No one hears.
I tear at my hair,
I stomp my feet,
I bellow and rail and moan.
No one hears.
Quiet tears trail
a course down my face
and my heart
gentle heart
shatters into a million shards.
No one hears.
No one sees.
Fingernails tear
at my face
my arms
my body,
bloody trails torn open.
No one sees.
I slump on cold stone
battered, broken,
alone.
No one sees.
Invisible...

Odd Dream

Precious sleep,
protected by the guardians of the night.
Mayhap to dream,
consciousness extending into the abyss.
I walk.
I observe.
There lies a stone,
black as alabaster,
dark against even the night.
The moon and sun rise as one.
Red and white collide.
There are three, yet there is one.
And yet, there are six, but two.
And no!
It is still one...complete, whole.
Mysteries of the night.
Understanding lost,
in the light of day.
Reaching for that just out of my grasp.
Sorrow...

I Ache

I ache...
To put my hand on your face,
to feel the live beat of your heart,
to touch the softness of your skin,
feel your breath on my neck.
I ache...
To know the taste of your skin,
the feel of your lips on mine,
to be enfolded in your arms,
surrounded by your warmth, your scent.
I ache...
To look into your eyes,
whatever may be mirrored there.
To touch your pain
and to show you mine.
I ache...
To be held, loved, cherished...
to hold, to love, to cherish...
I ache to see the man I know you can be.

Look Deeper

teetering atop a pillar
a flawed vessel
cracked and worn by time
at first glance 'tis merely aged
broken
look closer
see the surface cracks in the gloss
decoration hastily applied
layers added here and there
by various owners over time
spidery lines spreading in patterns
see the deeper cracks and chips
evidence of a life
proof that it was used
maybe abused
perhaps loved
both
some have been repaired
some remain bestowing character
personality
the vessel is still useful
whole
though discarded by most
priceless to some
who can see its value as treasure
yet it teeters atop a pillar
threatening to fall
threatening to break
even if it shatters
razor shards on stone
it may be lovingly reconstructed
soft hands
gentle heart
'twill be cracked and scarred
mostly whole
and always there is a chance
that it will be caught
and cushioned mid-fall

Masks

Little lies we tell ourselves,
running 'round my mind.
Little masks we always wear,
now hidden from myself.
Cracked at the seams,
spilling forth,
truth oozing free from deception.
Who sees true within this life
beneath the hurt and despair?

I was Wrong

Oh horror!
Blindness and idiocy!
I was wrong...

There is a cave within my mind,
a place I return to time and again.
It is dark and damp and cold.
It is a place of depression, of wallowing;
there I spend many inspired times.
Once I thought chains held me there,
in time I thought I was bound.
Felt shackled and caged, cramped.
Tortured by the hellfires, unable to breathe.

But the sun still shines high above,
birds still sing, and there is no need to weep.
I can leave anytime I wish...I have only to walk.
I can run and dance and twirl and jump
in the meadows of love and hope.
The chains with which I fixed myself
lie broken and useless within.
Joy springs from the eternal well.

I wrap myself in the warmth of love,
in the joy of passion and new friends.
Though I'll try to forget, I never will.
Memories tend to haunt me forever.
But I've learned and I've lost and I've been wrong.
I can admit it and I cherish it well.
Understanding may one day break through clouds;
forgiveness, though hard, already has.