just random thoughts

speak to me
speak through me
controversy reigns
it is the voice of change
challenge the status quo
it is the agent of change
think, learn, grow

A Little Girl

A little girl sits and plays,
being just a little girl.
She doesn't fit in,
she doesn't conform.
She is just a little girl
being a little girl.
She does what she's told,
she obeys her parents.
She hides in her room
when her daddy is drunk.
She cries in her room
when her daddy is drunk.

That little girl begins to grow up.
And she still doesn't fit in,
and she still doesn't conform.
That older girl dreams of romance,
but she's always alone; it never arrives.
That older girl waits for a man,
but she suspects she will be alone.
That older girl finally finds a man
who says he loves her, says its forever.
She hides in her room
when he leaves her alone.
She cries in her room
when he leaves her alone.

That little girl is all grown up.
And she still doesn't fit in,
and she still doesn't conform.
That woman grown is a child inside,
that woman grown is battered and worn.
Her heart is heavy and free and chained,
been stomped and scarred and burned.
That woman grown dreams of romance,
but she's always alone; it never arrives.
She hides in her room
some things never change.
She cries in her room
why don't things ever change?

That woman grown, though a child inside,
is a woman who has been through hell.
That woman grown has battle scars
and has emerged a little more whole.
She is strong and proud and true and loved,
rock solid foundation of friendship.
That woman grown may dream of romance,
but she knows she can survive life alone.
And though sometimes she must hide and cry
she'll always emerge to face life again.
And so she sits and dreams and smiles,
another day lived, loved, and tried.

Lately

Lately,
when I sleep I do not dream.
when I sit I grind my teeth.

Lately,
the smallest things seem way too big.
the biggest things seem so out of reach.

Lately,
I feel my body and soul do not fit.
I feel out of touch and disconnected.

Lately,
all I want is to not feel so restless yet trapped.
all I want is to feel like me again.

lullabye

kill me

not softly
not gently

with malice
with intention

don't listen to my cries
close your ears
cover my eyes

don't rock me
as my life pours out
don't brush my face
don't feel sad

take away my breath
and then walk away
and let me die

Continuing frustration...

Droplets splatter on the page in front of me,
crimson obscures the vision of what is there.
I close my eyes and will away the pain
wishing, wanting, waiting, hoping...disappointed.
My mind is a chaotic mess of reason,
thoughts whirling and blowing out of comprehension;
my heart is scarred and broken on the ground,
emotions tightly coiled then suddenly free.
I want to run away, I want to hide.
I want to stand and fight, I want to be seen.
I have a vision of a mountain top where I stand and scream.
It overlooks an empty valley; so no one hears.
Where is my voice?
Where is my strength?
Why is it that every time I think I've found myself,
once again she's gone in the blink of an eye?

Forward in Truth

Thank you for your silence,
it has helped quell the noise
that exists always in my head,
which, among other things,
surrounds me with questions
of the us that never existed.

The voices whispered advice,
correct but difficult to admit;
sometimes a mystery
is simply meant to be a mystery.

That wispy fog is lifting;
Freedom, my inspiration,
is lifting her head,
giving me her hand
to help me forward once again.

I have no guide,
save Fear,
whispering doubts into my ear...
what if you fail?
what if you succeed?

But Curiosity stands beside me,
my constant, sometimes rash, companion,
he who wishes to be my champion,
propelling me toward the future.

I have only to hope
that Courage will also walk with me
for it is him whose help I need most.

why won't it stop?

in the night, in the day
surrounded by a blanket of others
cuddled into fuzzy warm comfort
oblivion found outside of my mind

but when i am alone
emptiness closes, tightens, darkens
and the cold seeps into my bones
tumbling and turning in my head

can't say goodbye, can't let go
tired of holding on
arms shaking, muscles straining
stubbornly refuse to relax

well worn groove in the ground
from running the same track
paths branch and whisper off
only to return to the same circle

Aching to Pace

a familiar restlessness
creeps into focus
on the periphery
of my consciousness
edging it's way into existence
slowly slyly shifting
it draws near, draws nigh
frustrating in it's insistence
exciting in it's promise
mysterious in it's intent
curious in it's purpose

that feeling
once cured with idle wantonness
and lustful pursuits
now merely uncurable restlessness
frustrated boredom
where do i go from here
so tired of saying i don't know