'spection

I marvel at perspective
twisted pontification
how memory alters with time

it amuses me to consider
how we deceive ourselves
and deny our truths
when they are dangled before us
cosmic carrots on spangled strings
quivering and shaking mirthfully
as though the gods themselves
quake with laughter
at our foolish naivety

how young are we
how inexperienced in many ways
so much to learn, so little time

Silence

In the calm, still surrender,
I wonder.
Is this the aftermath,
or merely the beginning.
I arrive at this point often
as I twirl round and round
on the same axis.
Why do I fight
the natural gravitational pull?
Because it feels unnatural
of course!
Because it is in my nature
to resist the normal
in favor of the abnormal.

Unborn

I've never met you,
and yet the strength of my love for you
bubbles up from a heretofore unknown
volcanic mountain spring within me
courses through my many splendored veins
to my open and abundant heart
and threatens to murder me
with it's wondrous explosiveness.
Possibility and wonder overwhelm
my conscious and unconsciousness
with the power and dynamic of that
which would seek to nurture me
and yet have cause to destroy me.
The mere thought of you and I
and who you can be for me and for you
and who I can be for you and for me
cause my senses to overload and my
precious and tenuous sanity to teeter
on the brink of insatiable insanity.
How is this even possible?

Waiting, for now...

Dancing in the wings,
afraid to face the crowd.
Heart lifted, unafraid, unobserved.

How

voices whispering in my head
screaming, yelling, laughing
you, you, you, you, you
not anymore
tired of living for other people
there must be a way, must be
a way to live for me
without being self-centered
must be a way for me
to be me, to look out for me
because no one else does
alone
alone
on my own
freeing, freedom, wings
alone
lonely, sad, tears
liberated, happiness
its all about me in the end
because i am me
because i live from my eyes,
my mind, my perspective
so even if i live for others
i am living for others from me
but i need to put me first
don't know how to do that
so conflicted
so uncertain

Hanging in the Balance

Summoned, she stands before him,
his request suspended unspoken between them.
Unflinching, she looks deeply into his eyes,
drops her gauzy veils and issues a dare.
Reflected within limpid pools of indeterminate color
he may see all that she is, all that she will be.
Sorrow, pain, anguish, rage,
joy, ecstasy, love, compassion, confusion.
A soundless cry is released to the four corners
for elemental wisdom, for answers.
The replies are typical.
Earth merely grunts with tones of growth and comfort.
Air playfully whispers answers lost in the breeze.
Fire responds licking with heat and tongues of passion.
Water gurgles playfully, running past without care.
And so she is left to decide for herself.
Uncertainty requires reflection.

You Again...

My frustration beats a tempo
inside my thick cottony skull.
Is deprivation the answer?
The brilliant plan was to enlighten,
to make it all clearer.
Whenceforth I find things hazier.

I dreamed of you again last night.
Your presence beside me,
masculine and strong, warm and gentle.
You invaded my dreams, waking dreams.
Did you feel it too?
I struggled against waking,
did not want to leave our world.
Did you feel it too?
Together we fit like no other I've felt,
our minds merging in melodious harmony,
our bodies entwined in love, lust, passion,
our souls meshed in comfort and softness.
Content merely to lay with you,
feeling you, touching you, breathing with you,
being at one with you.

And yet, I know not your face.
Though I have faith you exist somewhere.
Still you are hazy in my mind's eye.
Until we meet one day soon...

And now...

...I finally realize.

The pieces have fallen into place,
I understand what was missing.
I love you all, the ones I've left behind.
That love came out of acceptance
of all you are, of all you can be,
of the light I saw shining within all of you.

I chose to love you all.
And once the choice is made,
it cannot be unmade.
I will carry a piece of all of you
within my heart for all of time.
I will always love you all.
No matter what you feel for me.

Your side is irrelevant.
My closure is my own.
I have more love to give,
but to do so must move on.
Goodbye, farewell, good luck.
Perhaps we'll meet again,
perhaps not.

But none of you can ever escape
the love I hold for each of you in my heart.

The Shallows

Look at all the fish,
swimming in their shallow little bowls.
Many colors, many shapes,
googly eyes staring out of the glass,
uncomprehending and glassy,
pretty, but small and insignificant.
Turning round and round,
same old circles, same old patterns.
I'm tired and I'm bored.
I want to go deeper,
to explore the depths of the ocean.
I want to break out of my little bowl,
and see the great beyond,
stare at the great fish in the deeps.
These little fish are nice to look at,
but there is nothing else there.

Ahhh, the irony...

From he I read love and hope and wishes,
in dark brown eyes set within the face
of a man I know I can never love
in the capacity that he would adore.
It saddens me, it hurts my heart.
Here is provided goodness, love, gentleness,
and it is not what I would take.
Here in front of me is the soul of a man
who would give all for merely a night.
And how do I repay this generosity?
With rejection, though it is mere honesty.
Is this not what I have asked for?
Is this not my heart's desire?
Yes and no, the conflicted answer,
to the ironic request of the universal force.
It is somewhat of that which I have asked,
and I treasure the friendship that has evolved,
but the flip side of the coin is a request.
And it has been requested.

true nature?

icy circles spinning sideways
concentric lines standing parallel

i sit, listening to the music of rain
slamming against my window
pattering on the concrete outside
though i am warm and dry
a chill runs up my spine

the elements roil against one another
at war, constant conflict within myself
contradiction has always been my way
fearlessness always just out of reach
control i cling to fiercely with all limbs

moment to moment, beat by beat
letting all go creates the symphony
lest life pass me by in a whirlwind
of riotous sound and melodious color
whilst i sit in a cage of my own design

balance is that which i seek
and companionship for the remaining journey

shhhhh

soar with me on waves of light
tiptoe through the ether
peeking through the strands of time
smile at what is unknown
cottony clouds of nothingness
clinging to our earthly veils
holding us fixed in our paths
lest we stray as we do

A Wish

Enveloped in warmth,
caring arms before a fire.
Soft words whispered
from the lips of a love
to the ear of a beloved.
Crisp mountain air,
falling autumn leaves.
Sun setting over the ocean
in pink and orange and red.
Lovers breath,
warm on the neck.
Soft laughter, giggles,
bottle of champagne.
Celebration.
Alone together.
One night in a lifetime.
Bliss.
Ecstasy.

Flawed

cracks on the surface
the flaws run deep
caution and care
no
not delicate though
beauty and grace
a hidden prize
yes
love to be discovered
caring and wealth
cherish and adore

My Crazy World

guardians of unreality
at the gateposts of the underworld
solid crumbling stone
blue grey black and green
fierce and unknowing
stolid and steadfast
in the face of the known

standing on the edge of the precipice
over a fall into nowhere
staring down into fullness
and up into emptiness
alone and yet surrounded
empty and yet somehow full
bursting at the seams

crack of thunder blast of lightening
channeling energy through the abyss
what should hurt does not
what should not always does
small and mundane
somehow always large and important
black day red night

sun rises below moon rises under
everything is nothing
rediscovery of that which is unknown
learning that which is known
they who were are no longer
what should be is nevermore
what will be is yet to be determined

streaming in my head
thoughts turning over one another
squirming squeezing squishing
pounding and beating to get out
consciousness is unconscious
they fight they scream they cry
they laugh they speak they die

crazy am i crazy
merely true merely real
unreality is truth and reality
secrets long visible for all to reach
but no one really looks
opening the mind dropping the defenses
all too much all too much

Fanciful Thoughts

Beautiful words, fanciful ideas,
tugging at the apron strings
of my soul.
Petulant children,
annoying and impractical.
I turn away, brush them off,
push them away,
but still they have hold,
tugging and pulling relentlessly.
Somehow petulance and annoyance
have become endearing;
weaseled into my consciousness
and ingrained themselves!
My defense mechanisms
no longer work;
the walls are so thin now,
threatening to crumble,
so that I lie vulnerable and true.
A mere breath, soft breeze
tears the membrane away
and there I am.
My creativity and freedom,
lain dormant for so long,
now unleashed and free to roam.
Within that which I have feared
I find that for which I have searched.
Freedom and creativity and truth
in vulnerability.
Ironic, non?

Suddenly

All of a sudden,
out of the blue,
I realize it's true.
I'll never forget you.
Any of you.

But suddenly,
futility at caring,
freedom in sharing,
letting go is daring.
I am daring.

Epiphany!
Though there is love,
It's over.
And I'm done caring.
I release you all.

Relinquished to the past,
staring at the future.
Casting off my shackles,
embracing possibility.
First breath of the present.

Moment to moment...
So free,
so right,
so perfect.
Suddenly, I can breathe again!

Freedom

In the here and now,
I sit,
I exist,
I contemplate.
The past has been written,
nothing can be altered.
It affects the present,
but does not rule it
unless we allow that.
Acceptance.
The future is irrelevant,
what will occur is unknown
and exciting and terrifying.
Adrenaline.
Exhilaration.

In this moment,
I feel light, calm, centered.
More certain and tranquil.
No longer will I allow myself
to be controlled by others.
My only master
henceforth is myself.
No more silence,
no more submission,
no more servitude or surrender.
Strength and solidity define me.
Chin lifted, defiant.

The room is furnished, warm, inviting.
Windows and doors are flung open.
I sit, I exist in the present,
allowing whatever may be to approach,
welcoming, loving, embracing.
Truth seeker,
truth teller,
truth knower.
I am ready.
To sit alone, to sit together,
no difference
but companionship.
I move from the room when I wish,
roaming, exploring,
returning when I choose.

A smile creeps across my face.
I am home,
I am whole.
Content.
Peaceful.

Rockabilly

God I miss you.
Intensely.
The way you smell,
the way you feel,
the way we fit each other.
The way we laughed,
the way we talked,
the man that you are,
the man I know that you can be.
I keep wondering
if I made a terrible mistake.
If I played out the ending
before it had even begun.
I keep wondering
what happened to us,
where we went wrong.
Was it something I said?
Was it something I did?
I don't even know if we
were ever meant to be
or if you were merely
a stop along my journey.
Why have you crossed my mind
so damn much lately?
Damn you, I fell for you.
And then you dropped me,
no phone call, no message,
no talking it through.
You just walked away.

God I miss you.
Intensely.