Torn

Torn in my mind, limb from limb. Blood running in rivers from self-inflicted wounds for lack of one to inflict them for me, in attonement for my transgressions, or lack thereof. Sweet submission, servile at the feet of one who truly understands, one who can provide that which I desire most. Craving the sensations of cold metal, the cruel lash of leather, restrained and begging, writhing. Sweat dripping, musk of longing, red clouding my vision, pleasing him in ways only we can understand. Where is he?

And yet, I cry out again in my mind in frustration. I yearn for satisfaction. Much time has passed since ever I have felt remotely satisfied. And I search. I play, I discard. Too easy are men. Face contorted in disgust I laugh at the fickleness of men. Puffed out chests, arrogant, egotistical. They style themselves as masters, but few understand the true meaning of the word. They use us, they throw us away and then laugh and grunt about their conquests. But in truth, the species of womankind is changing and there are those of us who will toy with mankind in the same way as we have been toyed with. With mirth, I reflect that as a woman I am judged to be the same as those who have come before me.

What a connundrum to be submissive in nature and yet independent in spirit. To crave dominance and yearn to retain freedom. As such, I am torn.

The End

The battle lines have been drawn.
We stand across from one another
in the aftermath of war.
When verbal bombs have flown through the air,
impacting and exploding directly on target;
when emotional carnage is strewn across
the wastelands of what used to be.
There is a silence, eerie and deathly still.
Tensed, coiled muscles relax.
Anger abates, replaced by indifference.
Sorry is just a word, now with no meaning.
We turn away from one another, eyes dry.
All the tears have fallen, passion is gone.
We look back at each other and realize
there is no winner in war.
It's over, we're done.
And I'm already gone.

Defeat

There is beauty in defeat,
in losing, in surrender;
in lying naked and vulnerable,
crushed and bruised.
Battered by servile sycophants
with golden honeyed tongues.
There is perverse satisfaction
in a choice made to follow the rocky path,
the proverbial path less travelled.
Exceeding all expectations upon success.
For sometimes, in defeat
we are given the opportunity
to begin anew.

Searching

Memories, teasing, taunting, haunting,
won't let me sleep tonight.
Moonlight's ardent whispers
caressing my sensibilities.
Floating lightly in uncertainty
lost, and yet found.
The past returns, repeats.
Am I becoming myself,
or finally remembering who I am?

Archived Work 11

Lying here, in this moment,
I wonder where you are,
what you're doing,
what you're thinking.
I think of your smile,
your eyes,
your strong yet gentle grip
when you hold me.
I smile
and I let the memories flow.
Tenderness.
Ferocity.
Passion, all consuming.
You are all I always thought
and yet, you are more.
To you I have given my heart,
and yours it will remain.
My love.



Love.
Complete surrender
to the unknown.
Leaving yourself
open to hurt.



Some hearts go through life
unattached, abandoned, and free.
Other hearts are heavy
chained and trapped.
Hearts together in love
supplement each other.
Hearts together in hate
full of pain and hurt.
Life is a dance
hearts searching to find hearts.

Deeply

I want to feel you,
warm, pulsating, thrusting,
filling me completely.
Your mouth demanding,
bruising my lips,
devouring me.
Your hands teasing me,
possessing my body.
I want to feel you,
deeply.

Betrayal

Betrayal, thick and bitter,
where lies bury inconvenient truths;
where hypocrisy reigns.
How could you?
When I would have given you all,
prostrated before you,
my everything was yours.
You took it all
and left me shattered.
An empty husk, shards on the floor.

Shackles of my own creation,
my own volition.
In my mind, in my heart, in my soul.
Bound by fear, bound by duty.
Perverse sadness in entrapment.
Yet I collar myself,
leash in hand.
To lead or to follow?
Freedom in chains?
How is it
that contentment pervades my reality
and still I'm blinded by indecision?

Archived Work 10

April 23, 2005

The winds of change blow strong tonight.
She sits and stares out over the water
Contemplating life.
The reflection of the full moon and stars
remindes her of life's dualities.
Reality and Fantasy
Light and Dark
Good and Evil
A fine line exists between all,
Blurs the edges.
Perspective and circumstance dictate definition.
The wind gusts,
She sighs,
Feels the pull of the moon and stars.
Walks down to the water barefoot.
She is at peace but restless.
Change approaches.
She waits.

Archived Work 9

(both from '98)

Lying alone
in a dark room
on an empty bed
chained by fears
imprisoned by emptiness
pretending to break free
only to return
to a darkened cell
every night.



Standing on the edge of the world
Stars above, nothingness below
A vast expanse of nothing
Wind blows
Smells of salt and grass and rain
Fires burn
Warmth so close, but so artificial
Sounds of air rushing past quickly
Things growing
Things dying
Things falling
A waterfall
Into the depths of nothing
Sweeps her off
An endless fall
Into everything and nothing
Life images flash
Tears fall
Sobs break free
Laughter
Happiness
Pain
Flickering in and out of reality
Falling
Need to be caught
Falling into darkness
An abyss
Surrounded
Alone
..?...?...?....................

Archived Work 8

(from '98)

Happiness,
so hard to come by
so easily shattered
shards of glass
on the floor
blood from a wound
Will it ever heal?
The past mirrored
for never-more
life begins anew
until we catch a reflection
in shards of the past
running in circles
Past or future?
Forward or backward?
What is right
What is wrong
No room for regrets
Room for hope?
Room for dreams?

Archived Work 7

Your Eyes (from '98)

Blue as the sky on a clear summer's day,
as the water in the purest mountain stream.
Full of emotions pent up inside,
but I can see through to you.
I see pain, sorrow, sadness, and hurt,
mixed in with traces of regret.
But somehow you have weathered the storm.
Laughter bubbles up from an ocean of tears;
joy and happiness shine through the clouds.
And I dare to hope, dare to dream
about what I see now.
Is it my imagination or is it truth?
One day I will know,
but time moves so slowly
and I am caught in a storm of my own.
Mists of confusion and clouds of uncertainty
block my vision of truth.
But understanding is starting to shine.
Soon the mists will disolve and the clouds will part
and I will realize
exactly what I have read so many times.
In your eyes.

Archived Work 6

Sacrifices (from approx '97)

Blood flows in rivers
Women and children scream
Warriors and priests chant and sing
The skies open up and storm

Secrets died with them
Rituals, fears, hopes, and dreams
The sacrifices of long ago
Made for reasons we no longer know

Archived Work 5

Northern Lights (from approx '97)

Green, pink, purple, blue
Dancing across a star-filled sky
Like rolling waves on a gentle sea
Playing tag, leap-frog, follow-the-leader
Across the blackened heavens.
To natives living long ago
These are the gods of the past.
A serpent of lights
Streaks across the night
Using stars as an earth-bound serpent
Would use rocks.
The North-star watches over the games
An ever-gleaming eye in the dark.
Suddenly, it winks at me
I know everything will be all right.
A feeling of peace falls over me
And for the next few moments,
Nothing matters.
For the first time in my life
Everything is just fine.
The lights continue to play
And dance across the star-filled heavens.
And I watch.
At peace at last.

Archived Work 4

She's Leaving Him Behind (from approx '96-'97)

Her hair flew across her face
as she turned to look behind.
Her bright green eyes sparkled
in the early morning light.

Memories of what he did
flooded through her mind.
She remembered herself on her knees
begging for her life.

She cried without shedding a tear
and she screamed without using her voice.
She bore her pain in silence
and she never lost her pride.

I'm leaving him behind
is all that she can say.
She's leaving him behind 'cause
it's the only way.
And she's leaving him behind
to get her life back again.

He'd kicked her and punched her;
he'd whipped her and beat her.
But Lord how he'd known
the ways to console her.

"I love you, forgive me,
it won't ever happen again".
His empty promises made her stay
and she'd believed him again.

I'm leaving him behind
is all that she can say.
She's leaving him behind 'cause
it's the only way.
And she's leaving him behind
to get her life back again.

This time would be different she swore,
this time I'm leaving forever.
But with a sigh she turned around
and walked back in that door.

Two months later her mother cried
and her father cursed his birth.
And the judge sentenced him to life
and finally she was free.

She's finally left him behind,
but Lord she had to pay.
She's finally left him behind,
but death was the only way.
She's finally left him behind,
but won't ever live again.

Archived Work 3

Questions (from approx '96)

Will the chains never be broken?
Will the bonds that bind never break?
Will slavery never be ended?
Will dawn ever mean a new day?

When will we ever learn?
When will we find truth?
When will we find justice?
When will mankind be free?

Why must the world hate so much?
Why must the world enslave?
Why does nobody open their eyes?
Why do they not see the suffering?

What will be the day of freedom?
What will be the day of justice?
What is the destiny of our brothers?
What is the destiny of ourselves?

Archived Work 2

Why? (from approx '95-'96)

A knife enters my heart
and as it twists deeper
the pain, the torment, and the agony
force me to ask why.
I want to cry out,
but no one listens.
I try to find a soul mate,
but no one is there.
The questions are never-ending;
they hound my soul.
Day and night I am forced
to face the loneliness
that accompanies my life.
So I put on a smile,
and pretend to be carefree,
but the hole inside of me
will never close.
The pain inside of me
will never ease.
And the questions,
the questions will never end.
They will never go away.

Archived Work 1

Torment (from approx '95-'96)

Questions running round my mind;
The answers are so hard to find;
There is so much on the line...
For me.
It may seem very foolish to you,
But my life is so confusing.
The answers are just out of reach.
In front of my eyes dancing;
Laughing...
Is just a front I put on.
It seems to lift my heart,
But it just keeps away the tears;
Sorrow...
I feel every day,
I put on a smile and face the world,
But the tears are so real.
Hide the confusion;
Sorrow;
Pain;
Smile through the tears.
The questions remain unanswered.

My thoughts flow like water,
droplets spattering across the page.
Scribbles arranged into recognizable patterns.
Letters and words that mean everything,
and yet nothing.

I've been too good for too long.
Wasted years being who they wanted,
spent too much time allowing others to define me.
Finally, I define myself.

I live in a world where fantasy invades reality,
reality invades fantasy.
Demons, nymphs and faeiries,
concrete jungle and steel girders.
I question my reality,
I question my fantasy,
I question my sanity.

I crave...I crave...
what?
My master, my lover,
my king, my only equal.
Twin of my soul,
The face of my dreams.

Mist and Shadows

Etherial, she stands alone.
Clothed in mist and shadows,
she dances as she walks.
Lightly twirling, her arms flung outwards,
she embraces the chill night air
yet craves the fire of the sun.
She haunts my waking and sleeping dreams,
I see her always in my mind's eye.
She stands surrounded by forest,
gown of gauzy mist rippling gently about her,
hair blowing about her face.
Visible but invisible, always obscured and hazy.
Who is she, this daimone or fairie,
and why does she haunt me so?
What does she want from me?
Will she ever leave me alone?

Seduction

He comes to me in the guise of my most secret desires.
Undoubtably male, he oozes danger, rawness and sensuality.
He tempts me, seduces my thoughts, becomes an obsession;
he is but a dream and yet his power transfixes.
Like a moth I am drawn to his fiery nature,
flirting with potential disaster.
My strength, normally as marble pillars standing forever,
fails me and I crumble before him.
I ache to be possessed, even at the cost of my soul.
Something stirs within me, awakening at my core,
responding to the darkness to which he has retired.
I yearn for the ecstacy of his electric touch,
for the pain that will replace ecstacy when bliss retreats.
But for all his power, for all his strength,
will he ever comprehend the twin of his nature?
Seduction, after all, takes two.

A Moment in Time

Touch me, caress me,
Undress me with your eyes.
Blue pools of depth...
I'm falling, I'm lost...
Peel away the layers
once painstakingly erected.
With only a sweeping glance,
You shoot to my core;
I feel naked before you.
In my mind I imagine
The graze of your fingertips,
Your breath on my neck,
Lips pressed against mine,
Our fingers entwined.
For a moment I'm lost.
I'm trapped by your gaze.
And then you blink,
Reality snaps back into focus.